I had a class activity about how people’s impressions on others. My classmates and I would have their own paper, and let others write down characteristics that best describes them (blind spot). Afterwards, I would have to right my own top ten characteristics about myself (hidden arena), and then put all the same words from both my classmates, and I in another separate section (arena). The results were not satisfying.

Only a few words are written at my blind spot. There are nice and friendly, which are two generic words, and thus not a good sign for me. The other says “Cholooooo -Jazzy <3”. Jazzy was kind enough of to greet me that way, but she still did not manage to describe me. The only word that is not generic quiet. It may be specific, but it still does not leave me at a positive note. These feedback are disappointing because it seems that there is not a single on who knows me at all.

The hidden arena was very easy to answer. I have been sharpening my intrapersonal skills so I have a really deep understanding of myself. Among the words are silent, creative, depressed, confused, alone, apathetic, lazy, and many more. I have been sharpening my intrapersonal skills my constantly talking to myself so I know a lot about my life.

There is only two, but similar words that manage to be inside the arena, and those are silent/quiet. Although they are only few, they best describe my situation now. The reason why there are not many people could not write any words that best describes me is because I do not communicate with others that much. Instead, I remained closed that other people would not get to know me.

It’s hard for me to identify what performance I am doing because it seems like I am barely making a performance at all. The only role I am doing is being a student, and nothing else. The classmate with I have the most conversation with is Kael, but most of the conversation are about school works instead of discussing about each others’ interests. I tried to be socialize with him more, but with not much success.

I even avoid group events. An example would be during the birthday of one of my blockmates, Patrisha. I refrained from going anywhere near her because of shy I was. I even refused an invite to a debut of Jazzy, my blockmate I mentioned earlier.

If I play as a stage actor, I may play as one of the side characters for my performance. Audience would barely recognize me at all because they have their focus on more important characters. Also as a side character, I more likely have little impact to the performance because of how insignificant my role is.

Overall, the Johari window activity reminded me about how I need to socialize more. Other people barely know about me, while I still keep a lot of things about myself. If there is one characteristic that we know about myself is that I am too quiet. I’ll be apply this reflection so that I can motivate myself to socialize with other people.

Life is like a roller coaster, it can go up and down. My life is like that except there are probably a lot more downs than ups that my ride may be underground right now. Life is hard, and I must do the best of my abilities to cope with it. One of the options I have to to try and understand myself first. I am the agent of my life. It is a primary factor on the quality of living based on how life treat me and how I treat life. It is the first step in having a hopefully happier life.

There are physical characteristics that affect my expectations from others. My age is a good example. I am 19 years old so I am getting close to adulthood so society should be expecting me to carry enough maturity and responsibleness. This is evident with my teachers who are getting more stricter. There are less cuts as well as more penalties when passing a paper late. Of course, the reason is that they expect me to be responsible enough to do my projects. However, this has given me pressure, which makes me more anxious with life.

This situation also applies with me being born a Filipino. The country is currently experiencing a lot of issues right now so it needs from its countrymen as much as possible. Society even makes people feel guilty for not helping in improving the country in anyway. Of course, I am no exception. I have always taught by society that the worst people would be ignorant, apathetic, and even being “elite”. Sometimes, I feel having to burden myself with these labels, and thus pressuring me even more.

My personality has also an impact on my life. Some say there are four temperaments:sanguine, phlegmatic, melancholic, and choleric. I would more likely identify as phlegmatic. I barely show emotion so I could encounter difficulties without it. I become apathetic, indecisive, and unambitious. Emotion is important to me because it acts as a motivator. Without it, I have difficulty accomplishing works, especially in college. I usually finish take projects longer than usual because of how uninterested I am.

I would also identify as melancholic. I know melancholic people like me are known to prefer to work in solitude. This can become a major problem to me, especially in college, since I would have difficulty in interacting with others. I am not used to expressing my ideas in group discussions and reciations, and can even affect my school performance.

What I do to overcome all these difficulties, especially in college, is not really the best idea. The more pressure I feel, the more apathetic I become. As mentioned, apathy is one of the issues I am experiencing, and yet, I am ironically using it as a coping mechanism. I guess this is the reason why I am taking a long time in solving my problem because of this cycle. If I get pressured, I become unmotivated, which cause more problems, and more pressure. At this rate, if I do not solve my issue any sooner, my problems becomes almost impossible to fix.

In conclusion, my life affects my quality of life, especially when I interact with people. Society has high expectations for me not only as an adult, but also as a Filipino. This more likely can pressuring because of having to have high standards on how I act. Consequently, I become more phlegmatic for being pressured, but being phlegmatic causes makes my issues worse. Finally, my melancholiness makes me more difficult in interacting with other people. All of this is what I am experiencing in my life, especially at college. I may know how disordered my life is, but it is at least the first step in improving my lifestyle.

My emotions are important components of my life. They determine my actions and beliefs. I act depending on what I feel towards a certain stimulus. Therefore, I need to understand how my emotions work to understand how I function in everyday life.

There are several unpleasant emotions that I usually feel. I most commonly feel sadness because of the challenges that I have to face. There are a lot of stress of having to do a lot of school works. My teachers often give me a lot of readings, and each has more than ten pages. There is also paper works to be done. My professor in theology even requires me to make a daily prayer after reading a bible chapter.

I also feel stress when someone is pressuring me to be better at society. I understand that the Philippines is suffering from severe poverty so they tend to quilt trip anyone who remains idle, and does not contribute to society. However, that just adds more pressure to me. Going otherwise, would give me a sense of guilt for becoming idle.

I had to overcome the negativity so I had to practice enduring it. As time goes by, I have become better at becoming more unfeeling as a coping mechanism towards difficult situations.

My idea may have been inspired from Buddhism. One of the lessons that I learned is that desire is the root of suffering. Craving for things like material possessions and pleasures that can cause people to feel dissatisfied when these needs are not met. Thus, refraining for these desires can lead to unhappiness  

As a result, I have been applying this idea to my everyday life whether consciously or not. If I encounter, an undesirable situation, I try to get rid of any related desires, move on. For instance, If I had gotten a bad score, I just refrain from desiring from having a higher score and move as a coping mechanism.

Unfortunately, I have been using this idea excessively. I started to refrain from desiring towards situation I should not be doing. For instance, whenever I am in a stressed situation with my school works, I try to become more unfeeling, and thus become less motivated to accomplish them.

This behavior helps me to endure the stress, but at a cost of becoming more disinterest in life. My body gradually learns to become more unfeeling, and would result in more difficulty in motivating myself. Since I developed a habit of shutting down negative emotions, I would not be able to utilize their advantages. For example, sadness helps me to remember any bad situations that I encounter, but I become more forgetful as I become less sad towards situations. Being unfeeling refrains me from not able to feel the important events.

In other words, the lack of emotions makes me less motivated. I have difficulty making progress with my projects because I am often not in the mood. The hobbies that I used to do before no longer interest. Whenever I try to do those hobbies again, I hesitated because I feel they are like chores now.

Throughout my life, I have been practicing myself to become more apathetic, and I used to call it a “coping mechanism”. However, I begin to realize that it may not be the right word. If it truly was coping, it would help me effective face my challenges. Instead, it has made my situation worse.

Analyzing emotions is important in life. I use it to diagnose my problem, and understand its roots. Currently, I am encountering a problem of apathy. This is cause by wanting to remain unfeeling in order to endure the stress I am feeling. There is still uncertainty whether I will be able to solve this problem or not, but at least trying to understand my problem would help me become one step closer.

For my creative output, I have created a character based on my blogs. Her name is Juana, and she is part-human and part-plant. She was born fully human, but started to develop characteristics of plant life. It started one day when she came across a secret shop hidden in the woods. She decided to purchase what appears to be lotus-shaped candies. It was very addicting because it helps her forget her problems so she keeps on going back, and purchase more.

However, the candies come with consequences. As Juana consumes more, her body slowly starts to become plant-like, which explains her green skin. The heart is mostly affected, which is why Juana starts to become unfeeling. Consequently, she becomes less motivated to do work, and more apathetic towards social issues. Juana is aware how dangerous this lifestyle is, but still has difficulty in making a change. Juana as a character reflects how I am often devoid of emotion. Most of my blogs revolves around suppressing my emotions and facing the consequences.

A good example is blog#1. It is about the reflection on my emotions in relation with the movie, Inside Out. I mentioned that I related to one of the characters, Riley, when she started to become emotionless. The other characters inside Riley’s head had no longer control over her. This scene reflects how I often suppress my emotions as a coping mechanism in dealing stress. The blog also talks about Sadness. I often suppress this emotion; hence I suffer the consequences. Without expressing sadness to others, people are not aware that I have a problem. Thus, people do not offer help to me when I am in need.

In blog #2, I mention how I called myself phlegmatic. I barely show emotion that I am usually apathetic, indecisive, and unambitious. Because of having no emotion, I have difficulty in motivating myself in accomplishing my school works. I even take more time than usually when completing a certain project. I even mention how I am apathetic again at my 3rd blog where I mainly focus on how I suppress emotions to combat stress.

In blog #4, how my apathy affects me with elaboration of system 1 and system 2. My system 1, which deals with performing actions by instinct, is unresponsive. This hinders me from doing even simple tasks. In order to fix this issue, I need to put more effort in system 2 by paying more attention to my surroundings. Unfortunately, I cannot focus. The reason why I cannot focus is because I do not pay attention to my surroundings. This again has something to do with my apathetic nature. Without feeling of being endangered, my body does not feel the need to be cautious.

Overall, the reason why I created an unfeeling character is to reflect my apathetic nature. I usually suppress my emotions in order to cope with stress. This can cause consequences on my reaction time and memory. Like Juana, I am still at a struggle at getting rid of my apathy, but knowing the problem is the first step in fixing it, which is why I am glad that my blogs help me for that.

My parents and I had a discussion about their childhood experiences, and how could they relate to mine. Unfortunately, they could not think of any memories. Even if they said did, the topic was usually difficult for me to relate. However, a trait that grabbed my attention the most is her lack of focus, which was mentioned from my mother. Most of the time she could not give full attention to her work.

Whenever my mother is doing certain tasks, she tends to put her attention to other things like what errands she would be doing. She also then think of other thoughts, and gets farther away from the tasks at hand. I asked my mother what childhood experience made her like that, but I assume it has been innate.

The reason why this certain characteristic grabbed my attention is because it is one of the most relatable problems that I have right now. I often lack focus in performing basic tasks because of daydreaming to the point that I am not focusing on what I am doing.

I was surprised when I found out my mother had this because I have always thought that this vice mostly comes from my father, who also tends to be a scatterbrain. For instance, most of the time, calling him via phone is difficult because he does not often check his phone nor seem to detect it when it rings.

Out of curiosity, I asked my brother if he has gotten the same problem, and he confirmed having the same experience. He told me that he also lacks focus to the point that he is taking more time than usual in performing certain tasks. An example that he gave me is when it can took him 30 minutes just to study one page on his notebook.  

I can say that this may be a pattern that runs through the family, and it is not beneficial to my us. Not being able to focus can hinder in performing basic tasks properly. Since we tend to lack focus on certains tasks, we consequently neglect and forget about them more often. We also tend to take more time than usual in finishing a task.

Ever since when I was younger, my mother says to me, “Focus” whenever she sees me out of focus on doing the task at hand. She also told me that she often says this to herself to snap her back to reality, and she is doing this technique to me so I can also get rid of it as soon as possible. She doesn’t want me to experience what she is experiencing that is why she reminds me to focus even in a younger age so that I would be able to get rid of it as early as possible.

There is no surprise that I barely remember any instances of me being out of focus to the point of doing careless action when I was child. I often remember the feeling, but not the memory. I only remember my mother saying the word, “focus” a lot of times to remind me. The earliest I remember is during my adolescence when I tend to forget to close the front gate when going outside the house.

In terms of the different Erikson stages, my problem more likely relates to the third stage: Initiative vs Guilt. I have difficulty in choosing a stage, but I choose stage 3 because it is so far  the most relateable. Whenever my mother has to remind me to focus on a certain task at hand, I tend to feel guilty. I felt that the task that I am doing is important, and negligence may cause me a mistake.

An example as mentioned earlier is the gate. If I had not remembered to close the gate, unsuspected robbers may still items from the garage such as my brother’s bike. Another instance is when I take more time than usual in doing a project. I also tend to feel guilt because how much time that I have wasted

Overall, I have learned from my mother about how prominent of having lack of focus. My family tends to have a short attention span in performing tasks. Consequently, we tend to forget certain tasks easily. We may not even perform those tasks effectively, and may take too much time to finish. This habit can affect us negatively like feelings if guilt. I need to follow my mother advice that we must get rid of this vice soon.

My project is about giving people random acts of kindness.  I was to give chocolates one of my closest friends. They are a packs of mint chocolates that I have bought at 7/11. I did not pursue with giving the Hershey’s chocolate anymore since my pantry is running out anyway.

I gave the first one to Carlos Cornelio, who is the most closest to me at my block. I gave the second one to Jacob Publico who was befriended each other at Enlit class. The third one was given to Billy Asuncion whom I become friends with at Ballroom dancing. The fourth one was supposed to be given to a guy named Ethan, but I did not see him for the week so I was not able to give it to him.

Giving the gifts was very easy since I never had to hesitate talking to them since we already had a close relationships. The challenge was to be able to meet them at our respective schedules. My friends and I had to meet during breaktime. Sometimes, I need to be lucky that we manage to go at the same venue. That is the condition I did not met with the fourth chocolate.

A lesson that I learned about myself is about the improvement I have with my social skills. I remember when I was a kid, I was not confident talking to other people even when I wanted to ask for glue to borrow. Now, I am more confident in talking with other people. I still hesitate sometimes when I try to converse with them, but I still manage to keep a conversation going.

I would certainly do this over again. I want to further strengthen my relations with other people by expressing my appreciation through something tangible. I would more likely do this over special occasions like during Christmas and Valentine’s. I hope in the future even after college, I would still practice as tradition for my future friends to come.

The score that I got from the Self-compassion test is 2.42, which indicates low self-compassion (1-2.5). My strongest negative trait scores would be isolation and over-identification. Both scores are 4.25, which indicates that these are strong traits. On the other hand, my highest score among positive traits is self-kindness (2.80). It is still is at least within moderate range.

I am not surprised with most of the results. My isolation score reflects my habit of disconnecting with others. I am highly not fond of being with a group of people. I only hang out with one person. This attitude more likely comes the Autism, an antisocial disorder, that I got when I was a child. I have gradually gotten rid of it as a move towards adolescence, but still it influenced my current attitudes.

Another reason why I often feel isolated is that I am not really open towards others. Even at times of need, I do not wish to open up to others. I often feel that my problems have to solved by me alone since my problems are just products of my wrong decisions, and I myself must make up for it.

My score in over-identification is also high. I often compare myself with other people. I usually degrade my skills in the arts, and look up to others who are into businesses, the sciences, and other academic fields.

My highest positive trait is self-kindness, which has an almost average score. I take rests if having a mental exhaustion. However, even I do not see the benefits of this particular habit. I may take a break from working, but I usually feel guilty afterwards for not having to use the time for work. I try to keep an open note that I cannot function anyway when working with a fatigue brain.

Perhaps, the improvement I need involves my social skills since one of my most negative trait is isolation. I can do random acts of kindness to other people in order to practice making bonds with other people while decreasing my invisibility towards them. I have a bunch of chocolate bars at home, and thus a good opportunity to give some gives to other people.

My score at the self-compassion test may be low, but it is not stagnant. It can still improve as long as I try to improve even with the just little steps. Self-care is always important for every person to practice, and I am no exception. I hope the next time I answered a self-compassion test, I will reflect on the great improvements that I will gain.

An important takeaway from the lecture is the lesson about system 1 and system 2. System 1 involves how to think automatically towards situations while System 2 puts way more effort in thinking. These two systems help me understand the process of how I think, which determines how I function in everyday life.

There are some things I know about these systems that I have. My system 1 does not function properly.  I am often forgetful even things I routinely do. For example, there was a time once when we left the car, and I accidentally left the car door not only unlocked, but wide open. Fortunately, my mother decided to double-check, and realize what I have done. Our car would have been an easy target for car knappers. There are also other more times where I became forgetful. Sometimes, I forgot to close the gate or the front door when I was the last person to leave out of the house.

I think the reason why I am so forgetful how I also do not function with system 2, which involves slow, but careful thinking. I do not usually process my thoughts sometimes because I often have lack of focus. Thus, I sometimes do not usually pay attention to whatever I am doing because portions of mind is at somewhere else.

I daydream most of the time. I often imagine myself in another world that I created, and go on to different adventures. I also daydream about the stories that I wish to create together with the characters that I have personally made.

I think this type of impairment is called maladaptive daydreaming, and manage to got it when I was young. When I was a child, my pediatrician diagnosed me to have Autism, which used to make me anti-social. The disorder more likely was the cause of why I have the habit of excessively blacking out in the first place.

This is why my system 2 can be problematic. Instead of giving my full attention to my natural surroundings, my mind thinks of something else. Because of the lack of focus, my cognitive thinking does not usually exert much effort on what I am doing.

Overall, the lesson of system 1 and 2 help understand my forgetfulness. I become aware on how faulty my system 1 is when it comes to memory. The reason relies on my system 2 where I greatly lack attentiveness, which is cause my maladaptive daydreaming that developed when I was a  autistic child.

Inside Out is a movie about the five emotions: Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Disgust. They live inside a head of a girl, and manage her actions. I greatly admire the movie for conveying themes revolving around emotions. It has given me an impact due to the messages being portrayed.

I admire Joy’s role in the movie. The story revolves mostly around her. She is the leader, and her primary duty is to make Riley as happy as possible so she instructs the other emotions to help her. Riley even has her core memories all yellow to indicate that most of Riley’s lifestyle are based on being happy.

I like how Joy is written because I can relate to her goal. I also want to be happy life. For instance, I want to pick a career that I am interested so I do not have to live a miserable life throughout my adult life. I also utilize emotions as well to achieve that. Example, since I aspire to be a photographer, I can use disgust to help with my taste in photography like how Disgust is in charge of Riley’s outfit in the movie.

Speaking of undesirable situations, the way Sadness is written gives me an emotional impact. At first, she is being portrayed as a this annoying character that barely helps compared to the other emotions. However, what strikes me the most is that she serves as the solution to the story’s problem. Sadness makes Riley express that she is suffering to her parents so they would show sympathy to her. Sadness persuades Joy that being sad has some uses in life.  

Sadness really struck because it reminds of the problem that I am experiencing right now. Most of the time, I feel lonely. I tried to socialize with others as many as possible, but I often still feel empty. Consequently, I suffer alone. I have to face stress of work and personal issues all all to myself. Because of Sadness, I know understand the problems more clearer. The reason why I am suffering alone is because I never bothered to ask help from others no matter how many times I socialize with many people.

The last scene that struck me is when the emotions could no longer control Riley because she started to become emotionless. The reason why I appreciate this scene so much is because it also reflect what I am experiencing now. I suffer so much that I try to feel emotionless as a coping mechanism to reduce the stress that I am facing.

The movie has given me a valuable insight regarding how each emotion’s role in everyday lives that I not only apply to myself, but at others as well. With the lessons that I have learned, I can understand others’ psyche better. I would understand why people act a certain way, and know how to approach personal issues that they are experience.

I seems that treating other psychologically us similar in treating others physically. Doctors know how people can improve their health, and treat diseases because these doctors know how their internal organs function. Similarly, I can also support others’ mental health when I know how each emotions work.

Inside Out is one of the films that I will always remember. I can apply the lessons that I have learned in my everyday life. I was given an deep understanding of myself like knowing my purpose in life. I also learned why I feel lonely, and how can I use sadness to my advantage. I understand why I sometimes feel emotionless, and what are the consequences of doing so. I can use the lessons not only to myself, but also for the people around me.